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Former New Zealand batter Lou Vincent has opened up on how depression led to him getting sucked into the world of match-fixing while playing in the now-defunct Indian Cricket League (ICL). Vincent felt he was part of a gang which will have his back and provided him with emotional support he craved for at that time.
"So I didn't have the mental package to be a professional sports player. So at 28 I was deeply in depression and then went to India, and was dragged, sucked into that fixing world. It was pretty easy to see how it happened," Vincent told 'The Telegraph' in a candid conversation.
"I felt like I was part of a gang. It almost made me feel better, because I am thinking: 'I am part of a match-fixing gang, I am with a group that's going to have my back and nobody knows our little secret.'
"I think that's how most bike gangs work with young kids. Yeah, they sort of groom young kids into 'we'll look after you but go drive that car through the shop and smash it up'."
How people preyed on Vincent's insecurities
Vincent revealed that growing up he felt alone as a teenager. He was low on confidence after low scores and people took advantage of it.
"I literally raised myself from the age of 12, so I was always quite malleable to people around me. Because I wanted to be loved, you're easily led astray," he recalled.
"And, you know, that contributed massively towards my professional career of just wanting to be liked, wanting to be loved, and sort of sharing how I was feeling on tour.
"If I was a little bit homesick or not scoring enough runs, I would tell the coach, the captain and then all of a sudden you get dropped because they think he's not going to give 100 per cent for New Zealand tomorrow, because he's a little bit lonely," he said.
Dangers of match-fixing world
Vincent did not get any direct threats from the people involved in match-fixing but he knew the danger he was in.
"When you're in that world, it's hard to get out. There's always a very underlying threat of 'we know you, we know your kids'. You know, there's never a direct threat. But they make it very clear that they're involved with some pretty heavy underground gangs.
"And, 'you owe us, and you always will owe us'. Even if you've completed the fixing, they own you. It's hard to get out, and the only way to get out was literally the way I did (confess)," added the 46-year-old.
How ECB helped Vincent
Vincent who has six centuries in international cricket thanked England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) for helping him come terms with his past. ECB handed 11 life bans for match-fixing. Last year, the board allowed him to play a role in domestic cricket.
"Coming clean and approaching the players' association and telling them what was happening, 'where do we go from here?', was the start of turning it around. The ECB were great to deal with.
"It's taken a good decade but you can't rush healing. It is still a daily check sometimes. But those moments of going down are very short now instead of it being hours or days or weeks," he said.
Vincent's international career in numbers
Vincent made made his Test debut in 2001 and scored a century against Australia in Perth. He has scored 1,332 runs from 23 Tests including three centuries and nine fifties. From 102 ODis, he has 2,413 runs including three centuries and 11 fifties. He has played nine T20Is as well scoring 174 runs.
